My Story
When I look back on my life, especially during my younger years, I can see clearly how I was shaped by the expectations and norms of the world around me. Most of what the world told me was important in order to belong didn’t resonate or were not qualities I possessed. Believing I was lacking in some way I would spend most of my early years suffocating who I was in an attempt to try and “fit the mold”.
I fell into patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism and stuffing down any emotion that was not comfortable for others even if the result made me feel like I might explode. I would spend years never feeling like I was enough. What I didn’t understand at the time was that looking outside of myself would never bring me the wholeness I desired. I know now that I always had everything I needed to feel whole…..but it would take some time before I was ready to believe it and even more time before I knew how to access my own wisdom.
Over the years I have weathered the storms of life as most of us do. These are the bumps in the road (big and small) that shake our footing and on occasion make if seem as through our world is completely falling apart. My own journey would take me through some pretty good '“bumps” including the hurt and shame of betrayal and the devastation of pregnancy loss x 8. While I survived what life brought me, I fell victim to the shame and blame stories that the world so readily presented to me as confirmation that I still wasn’t measuring up. I would spend more years yet trying to find my fit. I tried working harder, I took more education, I promoted, and yet I still found myself at the edge of burnout on multiple occasions. Despite my efforts I still could not find my fit. What was I missing?? Feeling lost I developed a number of coping strategies to protect my heart and numb the pain. What I did not realize was how these protective layers, while very soothing in the moment, would come at a cost. It would be years before I would learn that my lack of fulfillment was not a lack on my part but rather the fact that I was still looking outside of myself for the answer.
Somewhere towards the middle stage of my life I began to feel more and more unsettled and lost. At that point in my life, from an outside view, it would seem as though I had a loving family, a thriving career, a warm home and food on the table. All true, so why couldn’t I just be happy? As time marched on I became more and more uncomfortable. I continued to believe that if I worked just a little harder, gave just a little more, or tried to control all of the things around me I would be able to find my way through. I was exhausted and miserable and numb. Unable to keep the façade, I found myself impatient and critical of those I worked with and would erupt from time to time around those I loved. I found myself further and further from the person I desired to be which resulted in even more shame and guilt. I soothed my cumulative discomfort/guilt/shame with alcohol, food, Netflix and naps. I was treated for anxiety and depression, I gained nearly 100lbs and suffered burnout after burnout at work. I felt alone. Yet I was certain the problem must me.
What I didn’t see at the time was that I had forgotten how to listen to myself. I was still trying to find the answers outside of myself, completely disconnected from my innate wisdom. Out of desperation and with a sense of defeat, I hired a coach. Over many months we worked together to develop an honest awareness of how I had arrived in such a state. I learned that I wasn’t broken or defective but instead had simply learned ways to live/survive/belong that no longer served me. I learned how to see where these patterns played out in my life and in time how to create just enough of a pause to start to choose how I showed up in the world. I learned how to let go. Most importantly, I learned how to find harmony within my whole self (mind/body/spirit), to hear the wisdom that I’ve always had, and how to use this to guide me forward.
I have come to land in a place where I still have a loving family, a thriving career, a warm home and food on the table….and I can say with certainty that I am truly happy. Most importantly I have come to land in a place where I feel grounded and whole in mind, body and spirit…and I can tell you I’ve never felt better. My experience of healing through a somatic approach is what drives my passion to offer this work.
Do I still have bumps in the road? You betcha I do! I am still human after all. It would be unrealistic to think that my learning is over. The challenges still come, the difficult emotions still arrive, the uncertainty will always be near, but what I can tell you is that I feel grounded enough most days to weather the storms, feel into what arrives and heal what needs my attention. I am able to navigate each day from a centered place and pull the lessons forward to further support and enrich my life. There is joy and playfulness in the spaces that have healed, there is curiosity and wonder in the day to day. I am guided not by the world around me but by my own inherent wisdom. I feel present. I feel whole. I feel alive.
Life is too short to be anything other than our authentic selves. This is our magic! This is our purpose!
If my story resonates with you in any way I would love to connect!
Photos by Meghan Weir